kind of BUSY.

We've been kind of busy around here. Brian had me on a MAD DASH to find a piece of furniture to go under our TV. last week, after shopping at every furniture store in San Antonio- TWICE- we found one! Its not exactly what I wanted, but it will do. Its tall and that was most important to me! It will be here tomorrow! Ill take some pictures then...

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Brian is contact free in preperation for his laser eye surgery! We are super excited about it- a nice military perk for sure! (its FREE) He got glasses on Saturday. He has to wear them for a few weeks and should have the surgery next month!

Ive been sure to call him four eyes a few times for fun!

I also added some fun things to my craft room... like these lanterns over the bed.

This frame Becky Rog made me... the mat is covered in patterns! I'm trying to decide what to put in it. Letters? Pictures? hooks? vintage sewing things? I think one day a clever idea will hit me. For now it just looks pretty holding my spools of thread! Oh and I shouldn't forget Sally! I altered a jacket on her the other day! It was so fun!

Of course I'm always taking care of this little one. Shes been kind of moody and crazy lately.

One minute shes HAPPY as a CLAM!

And the next shes waiting for a bird to come poop on her lip....

Every time I changer her diaper, dress her, or say COME HERE... she RUNS! Shes sooooooo fast! She runs from me and hides and laughs as though its hilarious! Its really hard for me, because I want to firmly tell her to COME BACK, but she can see me trying to smother my laugh, which only makes it WORSE! It is funny... I admit it. Unless I'm changing a poopy diaper... then I have to pin her down.

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Oh and....... Our new house guest arrive tomorrow! OH Yay........

This was not a good week to give up soda- just so you know!

FLOODED.

Our days have been filled with.....

RAIN....

RAIN...........

Rain BOOTS......

(our grass is flooded, you almost have to swim to the trash can)

and MORE RAIN.

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I miss the sun.

I miss laying in the grass, in the sun.

My garden misses it too...

Growing up in Arizona, I never thought I would ever say that!

But its TRUE.

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Even with all the rain, its been a MUCH happier week. I woke up Monday filled with some kind of magical relief. Totally NUMB. Novocaine for the heart I suppose. I prayed for it and I needed it. A person can only bend so much before they break and last week, I thought I was breaking. I can put all of the horrible thoughts OUT of my head now. I can be around pregnant people and people with babies or big families without wanting to be crushed like an ant. I can breathe. I can do this... what ever I have to do. I can be patient and wait. I can focus on other things like photography and my garden and of course- LEXI! It still hurts, but I can hide it within and go about my day feeling happy!

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Ive had LOTS of support and lots of fun things arrive in the mail or at my door.... Thank you- YOU! You know who you are. I think Ive been blessed with lots of sweet people in my life and I am so grateful for that. So grateful for so many things.

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And NOW, I'm off to bed and I'm hoping I'll be woken by some happy rays of sunshine dancing in my window!

ENEMY No.1

Is it REALLY SUNDAY?

I think I missed a day somewhere along the way this week...
Brian officially took his very last medical school test on Friday! We are now set to cruise through the rest of the year- until July! Its very exciting. Were just waiting for that PRETTY diploma now! We spent most of Saturday in the city. We went to the Alamo and went inside for the first time too! (and it wasn't that cool...) We walked around in the River Center and found the Disney store where Lexi scored a new set of Little Einstein pals. They were on clearance for $6 bucks and we just couldn't say NO to THAT! (or her!) She played with them for 7 hours today. Id say that was WELL worth the money we paid!!!!!

We have also been working in the garden again- Me and my Lexi Poo. This time we planted MOSTLY flowers- Ranunculus, Dahlia, and something else that I cant remember the name of, about 55 bulbs total. We also planted 10 strawberry bushes. It will be good to have things growing again. It takes my mind off of everything else going on PLUS I really like digging holes and watering and sitting in the sun and seeing little sprouts and watching them grow...

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We had big plans for our Saturday. Brian thought it would be super fun to pull all the weeds in our front yard AFTER the city trip. All the grass in this town DIED in the cold, so the ONLY thing thats green in San Antonio are the EVER GREENS and WEEDS. When you look at the pictures below and see all the green- its all WEEDS!!! Our neighbors don't take care of their yards, which makes extra work for us. I SWEAR, we had like 1,000 weeds on the SMALLER part of our front yard. I kid you not when I say they filled 1/3 of the black trash can. The bigger part of our yard wasn't as bad. I got through half of it... and then I just felt like watching. (and Brian was fine with that.)

ENEMY No. 1!

YOU are the reason my back hurts right now!

And you also RUINED my dinner.

There is just something SO GROSS about eating salad for dinner after you've been pulling weeds all afternoon...

SEE ALL THE GREEN??? Told ya!

Lexi kinda looks like shes helping doesn't she?? Of course she wasn't! She was really playing with her toys!

This next picture really has NO relevance, I just really like it.

This week has definitely been dark and cloudy for me. I guess thats why I like it.

Do you like the texture? I made it myself. Its my first attempt at something like that.

I have a really had time expressing myself... Sometimes, you just cant write everything that you're really thinking... or feeling. Sometimes, I can just accept whats happening and other times I feel like I have to spend all of my energy trying to deny it from happening... which isn't possible. Yesterday was like that. I just couldn't let go of it. I wanted to be angry and sad and frustrated and so many other things. You have no idea what it can be like to feel like this- dead... empty... nothing left to give... Sometimes its just more than I can handle.

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It seems though, when you have a bad day, you get a couple of good ones that follow. Days like today when you care more about how many weeds you're going to have to pull out of the ground than the other things floating in the back of your head. I think the key for me is keeping busy. Maybe ill make a point to do the dishes and laundry more! ooor...Maybe not. I can think of much of BETTER things to do with my time! HA! Did I tell you I got a dress form for my BIRTHDAY? I need to do something with that! (I named her SALLY) Yah... i definitely need to hang out with SALLY...

Kiss on the cheek... Kiss on the cheek... Day after week...

Today, I didn't want to get up. But I did. I forced myself out the door, to the park, to the grocery store, to spend almost the entire afternoon outside in the Texas wind, taking pictures of my little pixie. I hated a lot of today. I had more bad moments where I just wished to be crushed under a huge rock, while looking at my beautiful daughter thinking ill never have another one of her... ever. Painful thoughts, those are.

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But all the things I forced myself to do today, in the end, it all added up to a pretty good night. I was happy I got out- to the park, to the store and took pictures. It made me want to go out again tomorrow... Instead of wanting to be crushed by a huge rock.

Even better, tomorrow we rid ourselves of our house guest. Yep- we've had some super annoying guy living in my craft room all month... So Ive mentioned. I for one am looking forward to hanging out in my underwear tomorrow... IN THE LIVING ROOM! And If I feel like crying in there, I'm going to! I wont even have to hide it! And if I feel like burying myself in buttons and fabric tomorrow in my craft room and NOT cleaning it up, I WILL! And I wont have to count my cups anymore to figure out how many hes got stashed up in MY CRAFT ROOM!! My Tupperware wont be getting lost forever at Brooke Army hospital anymore either. My dishes will all safely make it into the dishwasher and I wont have to worry about him hand washing things. (Wouldn't it just be easier on him to put it in the dishwasher anyway??? Hand washing is just GROSS.) Ill also never have to worry about yellow mustard stains all over my fabulous pink kitchen rug either. And SOOOOOO much more, but ill be NICE now... yes I am being nice. Its just hard living with someone else, especially when that someone else thinks they are so much smarter than everything alive... in the universe.

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BUT- EVEN BETTER THAN THAT, isn't Lexi just so CUTE? I swear, I smother her in kisses everyday of her life. I kiss her cheeks like 100 times a day, because I just cant help myself and I kiss her little toes too! SOOO often, that she will come lay down next to me and stick her feet in my face all ready for me to kiss them. Brian hates this, he hates feet. So do I, but Lexi's tiny toes- they're cute enough to kiss still (I think). Today I attacked her with RED kisses. We played out front and I'm pretty sure the passing people thought she had some kind of disease on her face, I got some funny looks! I'm not one to care though. I'm always up to strange things over here...

And I DO love her SO very much.

WHEN THE SUN SHINES

I feel so much different than I do at night. Why is the dark so hard? My hope seems to rise with the morning sun... and when it came up today, I was FULL. I got up, got showered, did Lexi's hair while she ate breakfast and prepared for a photo shoot that I had scheduled.

Lexi hung out during the photo shoot and was very concerned that the baby was crying... it was pretty darn cute!

Its something I guess Ive never really been on the side of. When all kinds of people tell you they're praying for YOU. Its something Ive never really taken seriously, I guess because Ive never really felt like I truly needed it. Ive prayed for lots of people, for lots of things. And Ive heard other people in need say that they can feel the prayers, when people ARE praying for them. I think its true. It is true. I feel it. Its like I have a little force behind me and I don't feel so alone in my plea for just ONE MORE HEALTHY EGG to our Father in Heaven. There are others asking, begging him for ME and I am not alone. Weather that is the plan he has for me, I do not know. But I know it feels better, not to be so alone.

So we did not lay on the floor today. We got up, we had fun and we pushed forward. It of course helped that I didn't get anymore nasty test results, but I cant say I wasn't sad here or there... or maybe even all day. But the sun came up and I still had Lexi and I still had Brian and I love them both so very much.

and I really do HOPE with all that I possibly can HOPE with, that Ill have another one of these one day... isn't he SWEET?

Little angel baby!

And thanks to anyone who said a little prayer for me... I realize I could be so much worse off and there are other things more important to think about than my fertility. So thank you.

xoxo.

Oh my DEAR sweet Girl....

You cannot be it.

You can not be the only beautiful thing my body can create....

I want to hope. I want to cling to it.

But it hurts.

My heart, its never ached so horribly before.

I'm living someone elses nightmare.

This isn't MY life. I'm normal. I AM.

It has to be a mistake.

and yet, the second test- well, its worse than the first.

All I want is to wake up and sigh in relief that it was all a BAD dream.

How can this be happening to ME?

My body just cant be wasted this way.

To have nothing left to give... a sister? a brother?

Just as beautiful as you.

As happy as you.
As sweet as you.

As adventurous as you.

As fun as you.

I want to love someone, as much as I love you.

I just need one more. One more good one.

I know its in me, I've just never felt this weak before.

Or this broken.

I'm trying so hard to find a way, to stand tall and hope.

Its who I am, I always move forward.

But its hard when all you want to do is lay on the floor...

I might stay down here for a few days, but then I KNOW I have to get up.

The reason you dont BLOG on SLEEPING PILLS.

Or after you've been crying all day.

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Exhibit A- YESTERDAYS POST!

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Let me coherently clear that up...

I woke up this morning trying really hard to remember my dream (I always remember my dreams and usually have a good laugh at what my mind can "DREAM" up.) I was free of any recollection of yesterdays events for a second and I felt good... until it all came rushing back in. And then I realized after looking at my email that I had almost unconsciously blogged last night. I couldn't remember what I said, knowing none of it would make sense- I was panicked. I quickly re-read my post and there was a LOT of head slapping and D'OH's being shouted out.

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So leaving out my apparent "boyfriend" named "GLOOM", Ill tell you in plain what happened. I went to the dr. I have been going for a month now, getting blood draws, taking clomid, having procedures... all looking normal, so I thought. Ive been through YEARS of testing in the past. I was always told you're NORMAL, nothing wrong with you... blah blah blah. I always wished that they would find something so they could just FIX IT and I could go on with my merry life. So yesterday when my Dr started questioning me about things, acting funny and beating around the bush and telling me that some people don't qualify for Invitro... I sat there knowing he was about to drop a bomb. I was worried about turning 30 this month, but what he said make me feel 40! He told me that my egg pool or quality of eggs is low. In fertility terms, my FSH levels are REALLY HIGH. Which all translates to the fact that I don't have time. My clock is ticking and on top of that my risk for miscarriage is higher. (which explains the past 6 months)

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The worst part is, its the ONE thing they cant fix. I don't qualify for INVITRO, not even close. So all we have left is IUI, clomid, trigger shots (i think is what they're called) and possibly something else. I learned how to give myself shots yesterday, didn't seem too bad, but my needle loving husband excitedly volunteered to inject me! (I think needles make him feel closer to Anesthesia- haha!) So today, I have hope. Hope there are a couple of good eggs left in there. I swore off wanting twins months ago, but if I had it my way, id do twins and be done. I don't know If I have time left for TWO separate pregnancies. I should probably quit being greedy and just be hoping I get ONE baby out of this!!! I dont think my problem will be getting pregnant, its going to be staying pregnant. Once again, there isn't ANYTHING they can do to help that along once I get there either. If its a bad egg, its a bad egg. (Kind of sad that Ive recently nicknamed Lexi Veruca Salt....)

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So, heres to an exciting next 6 months. (Not excited in a happy kind of way, but more of a roller coaster that you don't want to be on kind of way....)

Abnormal

Abnormal is a word ill nerve forget. Ill never forget the moment I heard it, the moment the moment I went from my usual NORMAL to ABNORMAL. I knew it wasn't good.

So now I know why Brian was inspired to buy me an ipod for my birthday... to escape life when needed and OH i need it. My life definitely needs a sound track right now. Ive always been like that. Im not much of a music person, but when I hit the bottom, its what I turn to. It fixes me, in a way.

I know why Lexi insisted on wearing her Snowwhite dress all day AND to dinner tonight in PUBLIC. It was to make my dreams as her mother come true tonight. And they did, and I enjoyed every second of her.

I know why she had to play with me every second of this day today too... I needed it more than she did.

Ive never understood GLOOM. Why people couldn't just walk away from it. Over come it. Forget it, look on the bright side and be HAPPY. I see now, that they don't want to let it go. I get it now. And the last thing I want to do is let it go. Its all I have. I want to fill it up in a closet, to the top and gasp for air. Thats how it feels. If I let it go, then all I have left is HOPE. I cant latch onto hope right now. Hope is just a MAYBE and GLOOM, Gloom is HERE, sitting in my bed with its arm around me right now. The positive person that IS me, is on vacation and gloom is welcome here for a while..

Before today I was confused, confused about being so confused and today i was told I have NO time to be confused. I now have to rush into something I'm really confused about- its a NOW or NEVER. The dreams I had of having 3 kids- SHATTERED. And being negative is the only thing that seems real. I can always HOPE, hope ill have another baby, but when you have limited or poor quality egg supply, the one thing that CANT be fixed by anyone, you don't know. We're now down to only ONE option to try and make it work, and we have to work with what Ive got, even if its bad. I may be able to get pregnant, but the chances are now higher that it wont last. How do you prepare for that? More loss? Wondering? Giving up your body, waiting 14 weeks to see? How can you put a stopper in the thrill of having a living growing baby inside of you??? If it even happens....